勇敢！我佩服你！

昨天去了sunway pyramid... 刚好我妈要买花，就去了那边的花展。平时都爱杀价的妈，一如既往的问那销售员是否可以减价。让我惊讶的是，那销售员还蛮帅一下。我跟妈都陶醉在那花里，也不察觉那销售员是否有听到。等了一会儿，怎么不听见那销售员的回答呢？看了一看他，他竟然在给我比手势。原来那帅哥是哑的。我真的被吓着了，不是因为他是哑的，而是我们都忽略了我们身边随时都会出现这情况。其实我真的很佩服他，要是给其他人，可能他们还不能够与外界接触呢！真的不能歧视他们的毅力。我在此以万二分的敬意，谢谢他！尊敬他！

是否......没那么简单？

昨天，有个朋友要我听了他最欣赏的一首歌...好久好久没人告诉我哪首歌好听而要我去听了，原本是他要发送给我但是不争气的msn把他send来的那首歌给停止了。当时真的很想把我的电脑给摔掉...终于在酷我下载了这首歌...

听了这首歌，果然让我emo了一下。我朋友说这首歌与她的声音真的配合得天衣无缝，而我也认同了这首歌...

WHOA~!!

Wow... It's been almost a year i've not updated my blog... I'm so sorry my friends i've been busy with my studies and all... Yeah, after all those nonsense happened... I've decided not to do anything to it and leave it all alone... Well, probably some of you would say... "Hey, it's stupid to leave it there..." well, i can tell you, i've done a correct decision... So far (touch wood) I would say nothing unfortunate happen... ^^ Well, my life went on after that day the stenting was in... I resumed my life for my studies... And of course, i've already removed my stenting as well in December last year... Well, so far my blood test was fine everytime... LOL... God bless... Thanks a lot to those who concerned about me and I'm sorry for those who wanted me to die... LOL... I'm glad that i'm still alive safe and sound here~!! Thanks a lot guys~!!

DoMiNiC @ DaNieL

Things has sorted out... But...

Yeah finally things has been sorted out... I've done an intergrade stenting into my kidney to prevent it from swell... But yet it still comes to an arguement on both oncologist and urologist... My oncologist said:" Operation is need for your RPLN Dissection, no chemotherapy will be given...", where my urologist said:"Chemotherapy is needed, we can't proceed with the RPLND cuz it's too big to be dissected..." So what the hell is going on? I mean can't they just give me a confirm decision? ARGH~~!!!! Okay let me tell you what is going on... Chemotherapy didn't shrink my so called "enlarged lymph nodes"... I've took 4 cycles of BEP to reduce my tumor markers and yet it worked! But it didn't work on my lymph nodes... So which means it's either a growing teratoma or it's actually just a cyst... Ya according to the oncologist, whatever which is remained from the chemotherapy will have to be operated... But just imagine a size of 11cm x 11cm x 7cm in my abdomen area which is ENCAVING MY AORTA... So what will happen if operation is performed? WOO~ A great BIG MASSIVE EXPLOSION it will be... I really don't know what is the correct way to deal with this... Shall i just leave it alone? Or shall i go ahead with the damn bloody risky operation? No one knows what is the successful rate of the opt will be cuz it's too massive to be estimated... Things can't be predicted as well... Dillema has come to me again... To do or not to do? Leave it or do it? Anyone can tell me?

Praying hard...

I'll be admitting into the hospital today in the afternoon for the stenting process done... I don't know what is going to happen for the stenting but just pray hard that it will be fine... And till today i'm still praying very hard for my biopsy report... It's still not out yet... The pending mood makes me go crazy soon... It's really unpredictable... How come things are always like that? Can't it be a little bit more predictable? The way that the radiologist said that day was really 'nothing'... But who will know what exactly it will be? God knows... I would like to say my prayer here... "Dear Lord, I'm your child. Please heal me with your blood and take away my disease. I'm really lost and getting nervous. Please Lord, please tell me what will happen to me and make it to be a good one. I know you can do it for me."

Punctured kidney...

Finally, everything has went past... I've spent 5 days in the hospital... was admitted into the hospital on monday evening... and they punctured my kidney with the nephrostomy tube on tuesday morning... it was really painful when they inserted the tube into my body... pain~ and i've been resting in the hospital for the next 2 days and friday morning my biopsy was being taken from my lymph nodes... i will have to admit into the hospital next week again to insert another stand into my kidney so that i will not be carrying an urine bag around... and this is where the suspence comes in cuz i need to wait for the results to be out for the lymph nodes... pray hard... that it is just some fluid that is not harmful in it... please God...

Point of no return...

I've finally done my ct scan on monday... and i've got the results on tuesday... First when i was into the consultation room, the doctor showed me my ct scan... It shows that my lymph nodes has enlarged from 5.9cm to 7.4cm... All these while i've been thinking... Would there be any miracle happen to me? Well, i've got the answer... It's NONE~! It was a terrible thing to see my lymph nodes are getting bigger and bigger... And it is actually sitting on the tube from my kidney to my bladder and it blocks the urine going thru... It's swollen at my kidney... So the doctor told me the only way is to do a biopsy on the lymph nodes and then put a needle on my kidney so that it would release the urine out from my kidney directly... I was totally break down... It's like i've been thru so many things and now i have to face it all over again... Chemotherapy... Surgery... and now, additional urine bag until the lump sitting on my tube disappear... Oh God, if i do have a choice, can You please guide me? I've enough with all these sufferings... What are they supposed to do with me? Is it my karma from the past? I really don't know... Anyone who came thru my blog can you please pray for me? I know i might be a bit too much asking for this but i really hope by this way it will help me... God, please save my life... Bring me out from suffering... Bring me away from all my sickness... Amen...

Torturing... why must it be like this again?!

I've been going thru all the check ups every now and then... past one month plus, i've been going in and out of the hospital for check ups and follow ups... Yet, the doctor called me another day after i received the call in march... Daniel, can you please come to the hospital again for some opinions? I was like... What is it going on again?! "Your CT scan shows that there are enlargement of lymph nodes... We are trying to get you some opinions on dissecting the lymph nodes out..." "What?!" "Yeah, so can you please come on that day of appointment?" "Okay fine... I'll come..." When i went there the other day, the oncologist told me that my lymph nodes need to be removed out... There are 6 doctors in there, including 2 oncologists, 2 urologists, and 2 surgeons... 1 of the oncologist insisted me to operate it out, where the other 5 said that it is a very major surgery... "Dr. Christina, you look at the CT scan of this guy here... The lymph nodes are wrapping on his aorta... If we are going to remove it, the surgery will be very massive and high risk..." After I heard this, i was like... OMG... Why is this going to happen again and again? Why can't this thing end just like that? Fine... So they told me that they will inform me again to give me another opinion on that... Finally they called up and asked me to see the urologist... And the urologist said he need to consult another surgeon on this matter... So finally, today i went for another opinion... I was waiting in the hospital for 4 hours to get to see the doctor... "Hi Daniel, do you know why i called you to come today?" "Duh, to see what can you do on me..." "Yeah, basically we need to operate your lymph nodes as they are enlarged... But it is too risky as the measurements are really big... So i asked Dr. Christina to get an opinion of the head of oncologist of the WHO and see whether can we do another course of chemotherapy on you or not... If he said yes, then it will be great... So hopefully this chemotherapy will reduce its size..." "AGAIN?!" "Yeah, I dun wan you to risk your life like this... Your lymph nodes are wrapping on your aorta, if we're going to remove it, it will be a massive surgery... So I will let you know again when i've got the opinion... Is that ok?" "What else i can do?" I was thinking to myself... Could anyone tell me what can i do?! I'm really out of ideas...

Results...

Finally everything has past... Everything that i've been thru, i'll remember it forever in my life... It's like things that are really really tough to go thru, i've been thru it... Everything seems so unexpected, where it comes in all of a sudden, and it goes off as well... Last Monday I went to the hospital to collect my CT Scan report. The doctor said that i've to wait till Wednesday to confirm everything and to make sure that i'm fine... Days went past and on Wednesday, the doctor called. Congratulations, Daniel Kok, you're fine! I was like, FINALLY!!! Thanks to everyone that is concern about me... The support that you guys all gave to me, it really pushes me to the max from the beginning till the end of the treatment... My hair is now growing in progress... And the coming days I'll take good care of myself to make sure that i will be able to pass thru the 5 years reoccurent period... I'll be resuming my studies in July to make sure that everything will be able to cope with me... Thanks again, my friends...

Final chemo...

It's been all these while i wanted to have my final chemo... I dunno why somehow i dun feels like doing it anymore... I'm seriously tired with it... I've had enough with this chemo... Things went past smoothly for the past 3 chemo... I'm glad that i've got someone to accompany me along with my chemo... Thanks Justin Wong... Someone special to me... He's helping my throughout the past chemo and I do hope he'll continue accompany me throughout everything... I dunno why i just feels like i wanna runaway from the hospital skipping the chemo... I dun feels like doing it anymore... Yes i've been crying for so many times about this... But wad can i do? Can i really skip it? NO~! Things happened so dramatically... Chemo............... Sigh... I seriously feels like giving up everything... I dun feels like staying in a hospital for 6 days anymore... It makes me feel sick when i think about the feeling of lonely in the hospital... It made me feels down when i see someone else that is suffering something that is even worse than me... I feels like crying now... Probably everyone might think that i'm a cry baby or whatsoever... But that's the only way for me to let out my pressure... No one knows what do i feel when thing comes... Can someone tell me wad's my future? what's gonna happen to me? will things be better? or getting worse? no one knows... God knows... I now pray to God to give me a tight faith to go through my final chemo... Please grant me faith to hold with... Cit, a long distance relationship between you and me i will hold it tight, cuz i know it's hard to find a true love, and it's hard to get someone loving and caring... But i've found you Cit... Thanks Cit... Distance to me seriously is not a problem... Shall we overcome it together? I love you...

Cycle 3 in hospital... NOW... LOL...

Yup.. kinda excited being online in the hospital for the first time... after admitting into the hospital for twice and failed to go online, i thought cannot edi la... sure failed wan... but surprsingly this morning, when i turn on the laptop and thought of giving it a try again... WOOHOO!!! it's connected wor... hahahha... surprisingly that i can go online... Haha... I was like... YEAH MAN!!!! at least i've got something to do to kill my time... boredom in me... hahhahahahaha... but yet wad else i can do... besides blogging... hahahah... well, being the first day in the hospital yesterday was like.... aww man... gonna be in here for the next 6 days... was like... pls la... give me a break... but yet... finally i got this break now... woohoo!! thank god... saved me... hahahahha... well by this time my chemo is still not arrived yet... wondering how come la... just hope to finish it asap.. dun drag me around more pls... argh... it's a great big 'event' where again i'm admitted... argh... no choice but to go on... but surprisingly my oncologist told me one thing... 'hey dude, your tumour markers are all down!! great job!!' i was like, thank god la... finally... hahahha... well, missed my life out there when i'm still able to go out to karaoke and things like that... hmmm... that's all for now la... will update later... hahahha...

Second Cycle of Chemotherapy

Well it's been a tough time too for this cycle... Was kinda depressed when having some thoughts back about my ex... Well, luckily i was discharged on the 24th morning... and yet i'm still able to celebrate my sweet christmas at home... haha... so nice... and warm... although none other than my family members celebrated my christmas eve and day with me but yet it's more than enough and i'm glad that i could have just celebrate it at home rather than in the hospital!! haha... things went past for the second cycle smoothly but of course as usual a little bit slow as was waiting everyday for the medicine to go into my body and flush it back out... but i do hope all these will work for me... pray for the best!!

my first cycle of chemotherapy

it has been a big time for me to go thru my chemo... it's like having 6 days of jailed in and the medicine are really explosive for me... it's my first time having a needle in my hands for 6 days... both my hands were swollen and also sore... finally discharged on the 3rd of dec... and then got back home... yeah!! home sweet home... but still the time is like passes by so slowly... having tons of toxics in my body... and have to dispose them asap... and the next day have to get back to the hospital for blood test... and on wednesday, another jap again... this jap is really suffering... it was ok for me in the morning time after the jap... but when i got back home, it was like my head went even much BIGGER than the whole UNIVERSE!! i was like OMG... dizzy, nauseating, suffers a lot... that night was really a century for me... rest is the most important to chemo patients!! so the only thing i did was... SLEEP!! and the day went past... the sunshine is back!! so hopefully all 4 cycles of chemotherapy will be the same thing like this to me... cuz... comparing with a lot of others mine is the most minor one... thanks a lot... and thank God...

the things in my mind...

finally it has come to the last 2 days to stay in my house before i leave for my chemotherapy... A year ago i was diagnose with testicular cancer... It was the most ever unacceptable thing in my life... It has totally changed my life from a very tiny bit till everything... my lifestyle, my attitude... it has affected me for everything... When i was first diagnosed, i could still take it to have an operation to take out my right testicle to save my life... and on january 23rd this year, suppose to have my chemotherapy but yet the doctor of oncology department told me that i do not have to!! it has brought me a real happiness to myself and my family... we all thought that it has over and will not be coming back again... but during june, it's back again... it's already in my lymph nodes... and first i thought it'll be fine... but till last month, it's getting worse... my tumour markers went up and up till it never ends... therefore no choice but to accept the fact that i have to do the chemotherapy again... it took me almost a month to accept this fact and face it... it was really a big matter to me... all these while i took things for granted... i thought it will end just like that... but it shows me that it has been fated to have chemotherapy and i will never escape this thing... in fact, many people told me that my face doesn't even shows that i have any symptoms to be a cancer patient... it has took me a hard time to accept that i have got cancer and i need to do treatment now... everything happened just like in a second... flew past away very very fast... and 2 more days later, i will be in the hospital taking this treatment... it will take me 3 months to finish one course, which are 4 cycles... the first cycle will be admitted into hospital for the first 5 days then discharge for 2 weeks but within the 2 weeks i will have to go back to the hospital and put on drip for 2 times... and this will happen in every cycle... the side effects that might happen on me took me really long time to accept it... hair falls, nausea... well, currently to me and the only thing i hope is that my chemo period will shorten as the tumour markers has down a little bit comparing with the past 2 weeks... so hopefully everything will be fine for me... do pray for me...