Things has sorted out... But...

Yeah finally things has been sorted out... I've done an intergrade stenting into my kidney to prevent it from swell... But yet it still comes to an arguement on both oncologist and urologist... My oncologist said:" Operation is need for your RPLN Dissection, no chemotherapy will be given...", where my urologist said:"Chemotherapy is needed, we can't proceed with the RPLND cuz it's too big to be dissected..." So what the hell is going on? I mean can't they just give me a confirm decision? ARGH~~!!!! Okay let me tell you what is going on... Chemotherapy didn't shrink my so called "enlarged lymph nodes"... I've took 4 cycles of BEP to reduce my tumor markers and yet it worked! But it didn't work on my lymph nodes... So which means it's either a growing teratoma or it's actually just a cyst... Ya according to the oncologist, whatever which is remained from the chemotherapy will have to be operated... But just imagine a size of 11cm x 11cm x 7cm in my abdomen area which is ENCAVING MY AORTA... So what will happen if operation is performed? WOO~ A great BIG MASSIVE EXPLOSION it will be... I really don't know what is the correct way to deal with this... Shall i just leave it alone? Or shall i go ahead with the damn bloody risky operation? No one knows what is the successful rate of the opt will be cuz it's too massive to be estimated... Things can't be predicted as well... Dillema has come to me again... To do or not to do? Leave it or do it? Anyone can tell me?

Praying hard...

I'll be admitting into the hospital today in the afternoon for the stenting process done... I don't know what is going to happen for the stenting but just pray hard that it will be fine... And till today i'm still praying very hard for my biopsy report... It's still not out yet... The pending mood makes me go crazy soon... It's really unpredictable... How come things are always like that? Can't it be a little bit more predictable? The way that the radiologist said that day was really 'nothing'... But who will know what exactly it will be? God knows... I would like to say my prayer here... "Dear Lord, I'm your child. Please heal me with your blood and take away my disease. I'm really lost and getting nervous. Please Lord, please tell me what will happen to me and make it to be a good one. I know you can do it for me."

Punctured kidney...

Finally, everything has went past... I've spent 5 days in the hospital... was admitted into the hospital on monday evening... and they punctured my kidney with the nephrostomy tube on tuesday morning... it was really painful when they inserted the tube into my body... pain~ and i've been resting in the hospital for the next 2 days and friday morning my biopsy was being taken from my lymph nodes... i will have to admit into the hospital next week again to insert another stand into my kidney so that i will not be carrying an urine bag around... and this is where the suspence comes in cuz i need to wait for the results to be out for the lymph nodes... pray hard... that it is just some fluid that is not harmful in it... please God...

Point of no return...

I've finally done my ct scan on monday... and i've got the results on tuesday... First when i was into the consultation room, the doctor showed me my ct scan... It shows that my lymph nodes has enlarged from 5.9cm to 7.4cm... All these while i've been thinking... Would there be any miracle happen to me? Well, i've got the answer... It's NONE~! It was a terrible thing to see my lymph nodes are getting bigger and bigger... And it is actually sitting on the tube from my kidney to my bladder and it blocks the urine going thru... It's swollen at my kidney... So the doctor told me the only way is to do a biopsy on the lymph nodes and then put a needle on my kidney so that it would release the urine out from my kidney directly... I was totally break down... It's like i've been thru so many things and now i have to face it all over again... Chemotherapy... Surgery... and now, additional urine bag until the lump sitting on my tube disappear... Oh God, if i do have a choice, can You please guide me? I've enough with all these sufferings... What are they supposed to do with me? Is it my karma from the past? I really don't know... Anyone who came thru my blog can you please pray for me? I know i might be a bit too much asking for this but i really hope by this way it will help me... God, please save my life... Bring me out from suffering... Bring me away from all my sickness... Amen...

Torturing... why must it be like this again?!

I've been going thru all the check ups every now and then... past one month plus, i've been going in and out of the hospital for check ups and follow ups... Yet, the doctor called me another day after i received the call in march... Daniel, can you please come to the hospital again for some opinions? I was like... What is it going on again?! "Your CT scan shows that there are enlargement of lymph nodes... We are trying to get you some opinions on dissecting the lymph nodes out..." "What?!" "Yeah, so can you please come on that day of appointment?" "Okay fine... I'll come..." When i went there the other day, the oncologist told me that my lymph nodes need to be removed out... There are 6 doctors in there, including 2 oncologists, 2 urologists, and 2 surgeons... 1 of the oncologist insisted me to operate it out, where the other 5 said that it is a very major surgery... "Dr. Christina, you look at the CT scan of this guy here... The lymph nodes are wrapping on his aorta... If we are going to remove it, the surgery will be very massive and high risk..." After I heard this, i was like... OMG... Why is this going to happen again and again? Why can't this thing end just like that? Fine... So they told me that they will inform me again to give me another opinion on that... Finally they called up and asked me to see the urologist... And the urologist said he need to consult another surgeon on this matter... So finally, today i went for another opinion... I was waiting in the hospital for 4 hours to get to see the doctor... "Hi Daniel, do you know why i called you to come today?" "Duh, to see what can you do on me..." "Yeah, basically we need to operate your lymph nodes as they are enlarged... But it is too risky as the measurements are really big... So i asked Dr. Christina to get an opinion of the head of oncologist of the WHO and see whether can we do another course of chemotherapy on you or not... If he said yes, then it will be great... So hopefully this chemotherapy will reduce its size..." "AGAIN?!" "Yeah, I dun wan you to risk your life like this... Your lymph nodes are wrapping on your aorta, if we're going to remove it, it will be a massive surgery... So I will let you know again when i've got the opinion... Is that ok?" "What else i can do?" I was thinking to myself... Could anyone tell me what can i do?! I'm really out of ideas...

Results...

Finally everything has past... Everything that i've been thru, i'll remember it forever in my life... It's like things that are really really tough to go thru, i've been thru it... Everything seems so unexpected, where it comes in all of a sudden, and it goes off as well... Last Monday I went to the hospital to collect my CT Scan report. The doctor said that i've to wait till Wednesday to confirm everything and to make sure that i'm fine... Days went past and on Wednesday, the doctor called. Congratulations, Daniel Kok, you're fine! I was like, FINALLY!!! Thanks to everyone that is concern about me... The support that you guys all gave to me, it really pushes me to the max from the beginning till the end of the treatment... My hair is now growing in progress... And the coming days I'll take good care of myself to make sure that i will be able to pass thru the 5 years reoccurent period... I'll be resuming my studies in July to make sure that everything will be able to cope with me... Thanks again, my friends...

Final chemo...

It's been all these while i wanted to have my final chemo... I dunno why somehow i dun feels like doing it anymore... I'm seriously tired with it... I've had enough with this chemo... Things went past smoothly for the past 3 chemo... I'm glad that i've got someone to accompany me along with my chemo... Thanks Justin Wong... Someone special to me... He's helping my throughout the past chemo and I do hope he'll continue accompany me throughout everything... I dunno why i just feels like i wanna runaway from the hospital skipping the chemo... I dun feels like doing it anymore... Yes i've been crying for so many times about this... But wad can i do? Can i really skip it? NO~! Things happened so dramatically... Chemo............... Sigh... I seriously feels like giving up everything... I dun feels like staying in a hospital for 6 days anymore... It makes me feel sick when i think about the feeling of lonely in the hospital... It made me feels down when i see someone else that is suffering something that is even worse than me... I feels like crying now... Probably everyone might think that i'm a cry baby or whatsoever... But that's the only way for me to let out my pressure... No one knows what do i feel when thing comes... Can someone tell me wad's my future? what's gonna happen to me? will things be better? or getting worse? no one knows... God knows... I now pray to God to give me a tight faith to go through my final chemo... Please grant me faith to hold with... Cit, a long distance relationship between you and me i will hold it tight, cuz i know it's hard to find a true love, and it's hard to get someone loving and caring... But i've found you Cit... Thanks Cit... Distance to me seriously is not a problem... Shall we overcome it together? I love you...

Cycle 3 in hospital... NOW... LOL...

Yup.. kinda excited being online in the hospital for the first time... after admitting into the hospital for twice and failed to go online, i thought cannot edi la... sure failed wan... but surprsingly this morning, when i turn on the laptop and thought of giving it a try again... WOOHOO!!! it's connected wor... hahahha... surprisingly that i can go online... Haha... I was like... YEAH MAN!!!! at least i've got something to do to kill my time... boredom in me... hahhahahahaha... but yet wad else i can do... besides blogging... hahahah... well, being the first day in the hospital yesterday was like.... aww man... gonna be in here for the next 6 days... was like... pls la... give me a break... but yet... finally i got this break now... woohoo!! thank god... saved me... hahahahha... well by this time my chemo is still not arrived yet... wondering how come la... just hope to finish it asap.. dun drag me around more pls... argh... it's a great big 'event' where again i'm admitted... argh... no choice but to go on... but surprisingly my oncologist told me one thing... 'hey dude, your tumour markers are all down!! great job!!' i was like, thank god la... finally... hahahha... well, missed my life out there when i'm still able to go out to karaoke and things like that... hmmm... that's all for now la... will update later... hahahha...