Point of no return...

I've finally done my ct scan on monday... and i've got the results on tuesday... First when i was into the consultation room, the doctor showed me my ct scan... It shows that my lymph nodes has enlarged from 5.9cm to 7.4cm... All these while i've been thinking... Would there be any miracle happen to me? Well, i've got the answer... It's NONE~! It was a terrible thing to see my lymph nodes are getting bigger and bigger... And it is actually sitting on the tube from my kidney to my bladder and it blocks the urine going thru... It's swollen at my kidney... So the doctor told me the only way is to do a biopsy on the lymph nodes and then put a needle on my kidney so that it would release the urine out from my kidney directly... I was totally break down... It's like i've been thru so many things and now i have to face it all over again... Chemotherapy... Surgery... and now, additional urine bag until the lump sitting on my tube disappear... Oh God, if i do have a choice, can You please guide me? I've enough with all these sufferings... What are they supposed to do with me? Is it my karma from the past? I really don't know... Anyone who came thru my blog can you please pray for me? I know i might be a bit too much asking for this but i really hope by this way it will help me... God, please save my life... Bring me out from suffering... Bring me away from all my sickness... Amen...

Torturing... why must it be like this again?!

I've been going thru all the check ups every now and then... past one month plus, i've been going in and out of the hospital for check ups and follow ups... Yet, the doctor called me another day after i received the call in march... Daniel, can you please come to the hospital again for some opinions? I was like... What is it going on again?! "Your CT scan shows that there are enlargement of lymph nodes... We are trying to get you some opinions on dissecting the lymph nodes out..." "What?!" "Yeah, so can you please come on that day of appointment?" "Okay fine... I'll come..." When i went there the other day, the oncologist told me that my lymph nodes need to be removed out... There are 6 doctors in there, including 2 oncologists, 2 urologists, and 2 surgeons... 1 of the oncologist insisted me to operate it out, where the other 5 said that it is a very major surgery... "Dr. Christina, you look at the CT scan of this guy here... The lymph nodes are wrapping on his aorta... If we are going to remove it, the surgery will be very massive and high risk..." After I heard this, i was like... OMG... Why is this going to happen again and again? Why can't this thing end just like that? Fine... So they told me that they will inform me again to give me another opinion on that... Finally they called up and asked me to see the urologist... And the urologist said he need to consult another surgeon on this matter... So finally, today i went for another opinion... I was waiting in the hospital for 4 hours to get to see the doctor... "Hi Daniel, do you know why i called you to come today?" "Duh, to see what can you do on me..." "Yeah, basically we need to operate your lymph nodes as they are enlarged... But it is too risky as the measurements are really big... So i asked Dr. Christina to get an opinion of the head of oncologist of the WHO and see whether can we do another course of chemotherapy on you or not... If he said yes, then it will be great... So hopefully this chemotherapy will reduce its size..." "AGAIN?!" "Yeah, I dun wan you to risk your life like this... Your lymph nodes are wrapping on your aorta, if we're going to remove it, it will be a massive surgery... So I will let you know again when i've got the opinion... Is that ok?" "What else i can do?" I was thinking to myself... Could anyone tell me what can i do?! I'm really out of ideas...

Results...

Finally everything has past... Everything that i've been thru, i'll remember it forever in my life... It's like things that are really really tough to go thru, i've been thru it... Everything seems so unexpected, where it comes in all of a sudden, and it goes off as well... Last Monday I went to the hospital to collect my CT Scan report. The doctor said that i've to wait till Wednesday to confirm everything and to make sure that i'm fine... Days went past and on Wednesday, the doctor called. Congratulations, Daniel Kok, you're fine! I was like, FINALLY!!! Thanks to everyone that is concern about me... The support that you guys all gave to me, it really pushes me to the max from the beginning till the end of the treatment... My hair is now growing in progress... And the coming days I'll take good care of myself to make sure that i will be able to pass thru the 5 years reoccurent period... I'll be resuming my studies in July to make sure that everything will be able to cope with me... Thanks again, my friends...

Final chemo...

It's been all these while i wanted to have my final chemo... I dunno why somehow i dun feels like doing it anymore... I'm seriously tired with it... I've had enough with this chemo... Things went past smoothly for the past 3 chemo... I'm glad that i've got someone to accompany me along with my chemo... Thanks Justin Wong... Someone special to me... He's helping my throughout the past chemo and I do hope he'll continue accompany me throughout everything... I dunno why i just feels like i wanna runaway from the hospital skipping the chemo... I dun feels like doing it anymore... Yes i've been crying for so many times about this... But wad can i do? Can i really skip it? NO~! Things happened so dramatically... Chemo............... Sigh... I seriously feels like giving up everything... I dun feels like staying in a hospital for 6 days anymore... It makes me feel sick when i think about the feeling of lonely in the hospital... It made me feels down when i see someone else that is suffering something that is even worse than me... I feels like crying now... Probably everyone might think that i'm a cry baby or whatsoever... But that's the only way for me to let out my pressure... No one knows what do i feel when thing comes... Can someone tell me wad's my future? what's gonna happen to me? will things be better? or getting worse? no one knows... God knows... I now pray to God to give me a tight faith to go through my final chemo... Please grant me faith to hold with... Cit, a long distance relationship between you and me i will hold it tight, cuz i know it's hard to find a true love, and it's hard to get someone loving and caring... But i've found you Cit... Thanks Cit... Distance to me seriously is not a problem... Shall we overcome it together? I love you...

Cycle 3 in hospital... NOW... LOL...

Yup.. kinda excited being online in the hospital for the first time... after admitting into the hospital for twice and failed to go online, i thought cannot edi la... sure failed wan... but surprsingly this morning, when i turn on the laptop and thought of giving it a try again... WOOHOO!!! it's connected wor... hahahha... surprisingly that i can go online... Haha... I was like... YEAH MAN!!!! at least i've got something to do to kill my time... boredom in me... hahhahahahaha... but yet wad else i can do... besides blogging... hahahah... well, being the first day in the hospital yesterday was like.... aww man... gonna be in here for the next 6 days... was like... pls la... give me a break... but yet... finally i got this break now... woohoo!! thank god... saved me... hahahahha... well by this time my chemo is still not arrived yet... wondering how come la... just hope to finish it asap.. dun drag me around more pls... argh... it's a great big 'event' where again i'm admitted... argh... no choice but to go on... but surprisingly my oncologist told me one thing... 'hey dude, your tumour markers are all down!! great job!!' i was like, thank god la... finally... hahahha... well, missed my life out there when i'm still able to go out to karaoke and things like that... hmmm... that's all for now la... will update later... hahahha...

Second Cycle of Chemotherapy

Well it's been a tough time too for this cycle... Was kinda depressed when having some thoughts back about my ex... Well, luckily i was discharged on the 24th morning... and yet i'm still able to celebrate my sweet christmas at home... haha... so nice... and warm... although none other than my family members celebrated my christmas eve and day with me but yet it's more than enough and i'm glad that i could have just celebrate it at home rather than in the hospital!! haha... things went past for the second cycle smoothly but of course as usual a little bit slow as was waiting everyday for the medicine to go into my body and flush it back out... but i do hope all these will work for me... pray for the best!!

my first cycle of chemotherapy

it has been a big time for me to go thru my chemo... it's like having 6 days of jailed in and the medicine are really explosive for me... it's my first time having a needle in my hands for 6 days... both my hands were swollen and also sore... finally discharged on the 3rd of dec... and then got back home... yeah!! home sweet home... but still the time is like passes by so slowly... having tons of toxics in my body... and have to dispose them asap... and the next day have to get back to the hospital for blood test... and on wednesday, another jap again... this jap is really suffering... it was ok for me in the morning time after the jap... but when i got back home, it was like my head went even much BIGGER than the whole UNIVERSE!! i was like OMG... dizzy, nauseating, suffers a lot... that night was really a century for me... rest is the most important to chemo patients!! so the only thing i did was... SLEEP!! and the day went past... the sunshine is back!! so hopefully all 4 cycles of chemotherapy will be the same thing like this to me... cuz... comparing with a lot of others mine is the most minor one... thanks a lot... and thank God...